1
0

excuses 20 KB

123456789101112131415161718192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445464748495051525354555657585960616263646566676869707172737475767778798081828384858687888990919293949596979899100101102103104105106107108109110111112113114115116117118119120121122123124125126127128129130131132133134135136137138139140141142143144145146147148149150151152153154155156157158159160161162163164165166167168169170171172173174175176177178179180181182183184185186187188189190191192193194195196197198199200201202203204205206207208209210211212213214215216217218219220221222223224225226227228229230231232233234235236237238239240241242243244245246247248249250251252253254255256257258259260261262263264265266267268269270271272273274275276277278279280281282283284285286287288289290291292293294295296297298299300301302303304305306307308309310311312313314315316317318319320321322323324325326327328329330331332333334335336337338339340341342343344345346347348349350351352353354355356357358359360361362363364365366367368369370371372373374375376377378379380381382383384385386387388389390391392393394395396397398399400401402403404405406407408409410411412413414415416417418419420421422423424425426427428429430431432433434435436437438439440441442443444445446447448449450451452453454455456457458459460
  1. clock speed
  2. solar flares
  3. electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris
  4. static from nylon underwear
  5. static from plastic slide rules
  6. global warming
  7. poor power conditioning
  8. static buildup
  9. doppler effect
  10. hardware stress fractures
  11. magnetic interference from money/credit cards
  12. dry joints on cable plug
  13. we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line
  14. sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support
  15. temporary routing anomaly
  16. somebody was calculating pi on the server
  17. fat electrons in the lines
  18. excess surge protection
  19. floating point processor overflow
  20. divide-by-zero error
  21. POSIX compliance problem
  22. monitor resolution too high
  23. improperly oriented keyboard
  24. network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)
  25. Decreasing electron flux
  26. first Saturday after first full moon in Winter
  27. radiosity depletion
  28. CPU radiator broken
  29. It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem
  30. positron router malfunction
  31. cellular telephone interference
  32. techtonic stress
  33. piezo-electric interference
  34. (l)user error
  35. working as designed
  36. dynamic software linking table corrupted
  37. heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly
  38. secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS
  39. terrorist activities
  40. not enough memory, go get system upgrade
  41. interrupt configuration error
  42. spaghetti cable cause packet failure
  43. boss forgot system password
  44. bank holiday - system operating credits not recharged
  45. virus attack, luser responsible
  46. waste water tank overflowed onto computer
  47. Complete Transient Lockout
  48. bad ether in the cables
  49. Bogon emissions
  50. Change in Earth's rotational speed
  51. Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter
  52. Smell from unhygienic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads
  53. Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming
  54. Evil dogs hypnotised the night shift
  55. Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture
  56. Electricians made popcorn in the power supply
  57. Groundskeepers stole the root password
  58. high pressure system failure
  59. failed trials, system needs redesigned
  60. system has been recalled
  61. not approved by the FCC
  62. need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem
  63. not properly grounded, please bury computer
  64. CPU needs recalibration
  65. system needs to be rebooted
  66. bit bucket overflow
  67. descramble code needed from software company
  68. only available on a need to know basis
  69. knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked
  70. nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable
  71. The file system is full of it
  72. Satan did it
  73. Daemons did it
  74. You're out of memory
  75. There isn't any problem
  76. Unoptimized hard drive
  77. Typo in the code
  78. Yes, yes, its called a design limitation
  79. Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault.
  80. That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?
  81. Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working.
  82. Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.
  83. Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER.
  84. Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causing a kink in the cable
  85. Windows 95 undocumented "feature"
  86. Runt packets
  87. Password is too complex to decrypt
  88. Boss' kid fucked up the machine
  89. Electromagnetic energy loss
  90. Budget cuts
  91. Mouse chewed through power cable
  92. Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!)
  93. Feature not yet implemented
  94. Internet outage
  95. Pentium FDIV bug
  96. Vendor no longer supports the product
  97. Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies
  98. The vendor put the bug there.
  99. SIMM crosstalk.
  100. IRQ dropout
  101. Collapsed Backbone
  102. Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment
  103. operators on strike due to broken coffee machine
  104. backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD
  105. UPS interrupted the server's power
  106. The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out.
  107. The keyboard isn't plugged in
  108. The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room
  109. The electricity substation in the car park blew up.
  110. The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out
  111. The salesman drove over the CPU board.
  112. The monitor is plugged into the serial port
  113. Root nameservers are out of sync
  114. electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing.
  115. your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes.
  116. the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa.
  117. the printer thinks its a router.
  118. the router thinks its a printer.
  119. evil hackers from Serbia.
  120. we just switched to FDDI.
  121. halon system went off and killed the operators.
  122. because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day.
  123. user to computer ratio too high.
  124. user to computer ration too low.
  125. we just switched to Sprint.
  126. it has Intel Inside
  127. Sticky bits on disk.
  128. Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor
  129. The ring needs another token
  130. new management
  131. telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused
  132. SCSI Chain overterminated
  133. It's not plugged in.
  134. because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch
  135. You put the disk in upside down.
  136. Daemons loose in system.
  137. User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI.
  138. BNC (brain not connected)
  139. UBNC (user brain not connected)
  140. LBNC (luser brain not connected)
  141. disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper.
  142. new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus.
  143. had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads.
  144. Too few computrons available.
  145. Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tannenbaum)
  146. Communications satellite used by the military for star wars.
  147. Party-bug in the Aloha protocol.
  148. Insert coin for new game
  149. Dew on the telephone lines.
  150. Arcserve crashed the server again.
  151. Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug.
  152. My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip.
  153. Big to little endian conversion error
  154. You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)
  155. Dumb terminal
  156. Zombie processes haunting the computer
  157. Incorrect time synchronization
  158. Defunct processes
  159. Stubborn processes
  160. non-redundant fan failure
  161. monitor VLF leakage
  162. bugs in the RAID
  163. no "any" key on keyboard
  164. root rot
  165. Backbone Scoliosis
  166. /pub/lunch
  167. excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances
  168. le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?
  169. broadcast packets on wrong frequency
  170. popper unable to process jumbo kernel
  171. NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full
  172. pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal
  173. Recursive traversal of loopback mount points
  174. Backbone adjustment
  175. OS swapped to disk
  176. vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives
  177. sticktion
  178. short leg on process table
  179. multicasts on broken packets
  180. ether leak
  181. Atilla the Hub
  182. endothermal recalibration
  183. filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch
  184. loop found in loop in redundant loopback
  185. system consumed all the paper for paging
  186. permission denied
  187. Reformatting Page. Wait...
  188. ..disk or the processor is on fire.
  189. SCSI's too wide.
  190. Proprietary Information.
  191. Just type 'mv * /dev/null'.
  192. runaway cat on system.
  193. Did you pay the new Support Fee?
  194. We only support a 1200 bps connection.
  195. We only support a 28000 bps connection.
  196. Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors.
  197. I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us.
  198. Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.
  199. the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity.
  200. The monitor needs another box of pixels.
  201. RPC_PMAP_FAILURE
  202. kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.
  203. Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer.
  204. Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines."
  205. Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors
  206. Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-trafficker
  207. We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortunately, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us.
  208. Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us.
  209. Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft)
  210. We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off.
  211. Lightning strikes.
  212. Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade.
  213. Change your language to Finnish.
  214. Fluorescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.
  215. High nuclear activity in your area.
  216. What office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, aren't you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried!
  217. The MGs ran out of gas.
  218. The UPS doesn't have a battery backup.
  219. Recursivity. Call back if it happens again.
  220. Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch.
  221. The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know.
  222. I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book.
  223. The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?).
  224. Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1
  225. It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up.
  226. A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN.
  227. Fatal error right in front of screen
  228. That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade.
  229. wrong polarity of neutron flow
  230. Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal
  231. We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill.
  232. Ionization from the air-conditioning
  233. TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low.
  234. Someone is broadcasting pygmy packets and the router doesn't know how to deal with them.
  235. The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet.
  236. Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces
  237. Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube
  238. You did wha... oh _dear_....
  239. CPU needs bearings repacked
  240. Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible!
  241. _Rosin_ core solder? But...
  242. Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric...
  243. The computer fleetly, mouse and all.
  244. Your cat tried to eat the mouse.
  245. The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile.
  246. It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterday) (last week) (last month)
  247. Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none allowed....)
  248. Too much radiation coming from the soil.
  249. Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week.
  250. Program load too heavy for processor to lift.
  251. Processes running slowly due to weak power supply
  252. Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems
  253. We've run out of licenses
  254. Interference from lunar radiation
  255. Standing room only on the bus.
  256. You need to install an RTFM interface.
  257. That would be because the software doesn't work.
  258. That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered.
  259. Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too.
  260. We're upgrading /dev/null
  261. The Usenet news is out of date
  262. Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel.
  263. It's stuck in the Web.
  264. Your modem doesn't speak English.
  265. The mouse escaped.
  266. All of the packets are empty.
  267. The UPS is on strike.
  268. Neutrino overload on the nameserver
  269. Melting hard drives
  270. Someone has messed up the kernel pointers
  271. The kernel license has expired
  272. Netscape has crashed
  273. The cord jumped over and hit the power switch.
  274. It was OK before you touched it.
  275. Bit rot
  276. U.S. Postal Service
  277. Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad.
  278. The Dilithium Crystals need to be rotated.
  279. The static electricity routing is acting up...
  280. Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone. It's not our problem.
  281. The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server.
  282. High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it.
  283. Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening
  284. Electrons on a bender
  285. Telecommunications is upgrading.
  286. Telecommunications is downgrading.
  287. Telecommunications is downshifting.
  288. Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own...
  289. Interference between the keyboard and the chair.
  290. The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.
  291. Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account.
  292. We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle.
  293. You must've hit the wrong any key.
  294. PCMCIA slave driver
  295. The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it.
  296. The hardware bus needs a new token.
  297. Too many interrupts
  298. Not enough interrupts
  299. The data on your hard drive is out of balance.
  300. Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters
  301. appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem
  302. microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system
  303. fractal radiation jamming the backbone
  304. routing problems on the neural net
  305. IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply
  306. CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road
  307. emissions from GSM-phones
  308. CD-ROM server needs recalibration
  309. firewall needs cooling
  310. asynchronous inode failure
  311. transient bus protocol violation
  312. incompatible bit-registration operators
  313. your process is not ISO 9000 compliant
  314. You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus.
  315. The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing
  316. Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic)
  317. Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on.
  318. Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS.
  319. Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet.
  320. You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus.
  321. Scheduled global CPU outage
  322. Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn off your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?)
  323. Your processor has processed too many instructions. Turn it off immediately, do not type any commands!!
  324. Your packets were eaten by the terminator
  325. Your processor does not develop enough heat.
  326. We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room.
  327. The POP server is out of Coke
  328. Fiber optics caused gas main leak
  329. Server depressed, needs Prozac
  330. quantum decoherence
  331. those damn raccoons!
  332. suboptimal routing experience
  333. A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged
  334. 50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files
  335. the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference
  336. the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer solstice
  337. the butane lighter causes the pincushioning
  338. old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes
  339. manager in the cable duct
  340. We'll fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack).
  341. HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here
  342. HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power
  343. The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?
  344. Network failure - call NBC
  345. Having to manually track the satellite.
  346. Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up.
  347. The rubber band broke
  348. We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose.
  349. Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server.
  350. paradigm shift...without a clutch
  351. PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
  352. The cables are not the same length.
  353. Second-system effect.
  354. Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c
  355. Boredom in the Kernel.
  356. the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!
  357. I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer.
  358. struck by the Good Times virus
  359. YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error
  360. Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.
  361. Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools.
  362. Plasma conduit breach
  363. Out of cards on drive D:
  364. Sand fleas eating the Internet cables
  365. parallel processors running perpendicular today
  366. ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect
  367. Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult.
  368. Failure to adjust for daylight savings time.
  369. Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins.
  370. Virus due to computers having unsafe sex.
  371. Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters.
  372. Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit.
  373. Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine
  374. It's the InterNIC's fault.
  375. Root name servers corrupted.
  376. Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers.
  377. Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine.
  378. Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.
  379. We've picked COBOL as the language of choice.
  380. Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.
  381. Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape.
  382. Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems.
  383. Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet.
  384. it's an ID-10-T error
  385. Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers
  386. The Internet is being scanned for viruses.
  387. Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight.
  388. Bad user karma.
  389. /dev/clue was linked to /dev/null
  390. Increased sunspot activity.
  391. We already sent around a notice about that.
  392. It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry.
  393. Interference from the Van Allen Belt.
  394. Jupiter is aligned with Mars.
  395. Redundant ACLs.
  396. Mail server hit by UniSpammer.
  397. T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server.
  398. Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet.
  399. We are a 100% Microsoft Shop.
  400. We are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature.
  401. Sales staff sold a product we don't offer.
  402. Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees.
  403. Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.
  404. Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.
  405. Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.
  406. Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital.
  407. Route flapping at the NAP.
  408. Computers under water due to SYN flooding.
  409. The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.
  410. Electrical conduits in machine room are melting.
  411. Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway.
  412. Radial Telemetry Infiltration
  413. Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server.
  414. tachyon emissions overloading the system
  415. Maintenance window broken
  416. We're out of slots on the server
  417. Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend.
  418. Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM.
  419. Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem
  420. Feature was not beta tested
  421. Domain controller not responding
  422. Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!
  423. It's not RFC-822 compliant.
  424. operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)
  425. stop bit received
  426. internet is needed to catch the etherbunny
  427. network down, IP packets delivered via UPS
  428. Firmware update in the coffee machine
  429. Temporal anomaly
  430. Mouse has out-of-cheese-error
  431. Borg implants are failing
  432. Borg nanites have infested the server
  433. error: one bad user found in front of screen
  434. Please state the nature of the technical emergency
  435. Internet shut down due to maintenance
  436. Daemon escaped from pentagram
  437. crop circles in the corn shell
  438. sticky bit has come loose
  439. Hot Java has gone cold
  440. Cache miss - please take better aim next time
  441. Hash table has woodworm
  442. Trojan horse ran out of hay
  443. Zombie processes detected, machine is haunted.
  444. overflow error in /dev/null
  445. Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it.
  446. Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell.
  447. According to Microsoft, it's by design
  448. vi needs to be upgraded to vii
  449. greenpeace free'd the mallocs
  450. Terrorists crashed an airplane into the server room, have to remove /bin/laden. (rm -rf /bin/laden)
  451. astropneumatic oscillations in the water-cooling
  452. Somebody ran the operating system through a spelling checker.
  453. Rhythmic variations in the voltage reaching the power supply.
  454. Keyboard Actuator Failure. Order and Replace.
  455. Packet held up at customs.
  456. Propagation delay.
  457. High line impedance.
  458. Someone set us up the bomb.
  459. Power surges on the Underground.
  460. I'm saying stuff based upon the The Bastard Operator From Hell Stories written by Simon Paul Travaglia. Datamation magazine owns the Electronic Rights to the orgional works of the BOFH.